Why I'm a Cheap Bastard

The batteries are $6.99. I shake my head and leave the store. We visit three other stores before I find the same item for $4, after I talk the tax off of it. As we leave, Terry shrugs his shoulder and says that he would have bought it at the first place.

"And you would have gotten ripped off." I say with a smirk.

Another shrug. "So? It's not worth the trouble."

Like hell it's not, my slightly ruffled mind retorts.

THE CHEAP BASTARD'S MIND RETORTS IN FULL

While Terry's cavalier attitude is not the norm, it reflects a number of sentiments in our culture. The feeling that spending money freely is a positive quality; that shopping around is beneath one's station and undignified. But isn't it curious how both these ideas benefit a segment of the population -- namely, the sellers?

It's not a conspiracy, but a cause-and-affect scenario. Those who have the most tend to glorify consumption, and people who covet this position imitate the consumption patterns -- usually without the means.

So most people are tricked into making bad investments. A car is a perfect example. People believe that a car will give them freedom, status, and free time, when all it practically does is give them about an hour of leisure -- an hour they lose when they have to pay that in wages for its upkeep. For those that see the connection between economic consumption and economic bondage, the cheap bastard is a freedom fighter.

THE CHEAP BASTARD IN ACTION

I make a personal lifestyle choice to avoid feeding into this. I go to extreme lengths to avoid extravagancies other people term necessities, such as cars, and keep any recurring costs to a skin-n-bones minimum.

I do that by choosing my addictions. Obviously a cocaine habit isn't thrifty. Crack's not bad, but oy, the stigma! Hemp and alcohol habits are sociable and not ridiculously expensive -- but they add up. Significantly. But coffee, thanks to Third World exploitation, is cheap as the mud it resembles.

Many people with the same inclinations towards reading and music find themselves trapped in jobs to fund their CD and comic binges. But there's always a secret alley through the problem that you just have to explore. I went to the library in desperation, starving for music I hadn't heard a billion times before -- and found that a lot of the old time swing got me obscenely excited.

My Quest for Free (and Almost Free) has led me into so many good places that I simply can't believe that it's an ignoble pursuit. It almost always leads you away from the conventional and towards the funky.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE CHEAP BASTARD

Living the way I do, I was able to graduate with not only no debt but with a couple grand squirreled away for travelling. This isn't what bothers people so much as the day-to-day thrift that allowed it to happen. Like asking about free refills. Or taking advantage of free peanuts and popcorn without having the expected beverage-buying reaction. Some people, even like minded and otherwise sensible people, have a reaction beyond what could be expected if someone was, say, socially embarrassed.

I find this upsetting -- I go out of my way to not be cheap in the ways that matter. (I find a stinginess of the soul to be unattractive.) I lend and pay back money freely and promptly. I'm generous with my friends and family, and I enjoy being so.

So why do people who know this about me get peeved? I have a few theories -- I always do. In a sense, my cheapness is a negation of their buying habits and concept of "necessities." Also, it is rare to find anyone who a) hates working for anyone other than himself and b) hates being tricked as much as me.

Most people are willing to trade a considerable amount of time and freedom for consumer goods and their attendant intangible value of security, convenience and status. It's just that to my eyes it's a fucking ripoff and I ain't buying it.

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This originally appeared in The Voice: We Have Lives, Summer 1996.